On a roll

12-18-08 - This is me again, posting from the great disconnected purgatory that is this land of No Internet. I haven’t got it sorted out yet; the truth is, I’m just too lazy. Maybe tomorrow. In the mean time, I’ll keep writing and post it when I can. Enjoy. -BV

I should have been quicker off the mark.

I had a great idea for a product, but sadly it could only sell for a couple of more weeks. The product is simply this: the U.S. Constitution printed on a roll of toilet paper.

I should have made a mint selling these things in Washington to Republican senators and representatives, to people at the Pentagon, to the Bush Administration itself. Just think of it; the U.S. Constitution on a perforated roll beside every toilet in the White House. (On second thought, don’t think about it. Bush & Co. have been wiping their collective asses with the Constitution for eight years.) The election of Obama put the brakes on my entrepreneurial dreams. I think I could have sold them to McCain, Palin, and company, but it just wasn’t to be.

But I had another brilliant idea: a roll of GM stock certificates printed on toilet paper. You wouldn’t even have to use facsimiles of stock certificates; on the current market, they might as well be printed on toilet paper. (The liberal in me hopes that this one has the same problem as the Constitution idea; namely, a very limited shelf life.) My thanks to GWB for trying to keep this idea of mine alive through his current scheme to push auto makers toward an "orderly bankruptcy". (Though I can’t for the life of me figure out how any kind of nearly industry-wide bankruptcy, which would be treated by auto execs as an opportunity to get while the getting is good, throwing the auto industry as well as the many industries that depend on the auto industry into utter chaos, how this kind of gigantic economic cluster-fuck could ever be considered "orderly".) But at least two of the "Big Three" are likely to survive, in some form, and the jury’s still out on their ultimate fate, so I’d better not depend on this idea to make me rich. The auto industry might just survive...and then where would I be?

Obviously, what I need here is an idea that will play for a long time to come. Something that isn’t going to be swept away by the new administration. I need to look to Obama and the sort of President he’s going to be if I want to get rich quick. I have tried to do just that, but it turned out to be harder than it seemed.

My first such idea went in a different direction. "Famous Liberal Trading Cards" offered a trading card game that allowed kids to form their own "dream cabinet" and to earn points for correctly matching liberals to cabinet posts. Sadly, Obama named mostly moderates to his cabinet. This may be an effective way to bring the country together, to demonstrate that he’s the president of all Americans and not just the ones on the left, but it’s been hell on the entrepreneur.

So I went back to my original concept, something that allows people to make a political statement while dealing with all the shit in their daily lives. In other words, my next great idea was more toilet paper; "Famous Evangelist Toilet Paper" actually, and with Obama in power this one looked like a sure winner. Sadly, this idea was shot down by Obama himself when he asked Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at Obama’s inauguration. If Obama is going to make nice with the ultra-Christian right, then I just got stuck with ten thousand rolls of toilet paper emblazoned with the smiling faces of prominent men and women of God. Well, at least I can still sell a few in San Francisco. Maybe some in Greenwich Village.

I really think I’m on to something with this toilet paper idea, if only I can find the right image to grace my morning crap. I need something topical that won’t expire in a few weeks. But I just can’t think of anything right now; maybe you can come up with something. Me, I’m going to take a nap. I’m just wiped out.

The Blues Viking

The opinions here expressed are mine and if you don’t like them you can get your own damn blog.